Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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