hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
