I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
