Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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