38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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