this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
