At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
