my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think my fart just growled at me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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