just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
