i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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