her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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