how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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