Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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