party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
