the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
