Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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