So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
