Umm I'm too high to move.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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