one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
