Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
