We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
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there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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