well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
