You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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