I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
