I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
