I wish I could punch you in the face.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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