I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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