ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
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They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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