You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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