fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
