someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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