True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
