Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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