um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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