I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you never un-have a 4some
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
