i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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