the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
