youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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