We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
