i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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