Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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