Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
