I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
