you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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