Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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