I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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