At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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