in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
