Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
