hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
