Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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