so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
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But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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