Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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