I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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